What a difference becoming a parent makes on how you view your own parents.
There is nothing like a parents love, or a childs love for that matter.
I know that I have been quite spoiled over the years by my parents, but (in my own view, people might disagree) I have actually turned out to be okay (I am not saying "exeptional" we will just still with "okay"). What a huge responsibility raising a child is.... We feel so blessed that we have Presley, and know that we don't deserve someone as amazing as she already is, but God decided (and God knew, because we sure weren't ready!) that he was going to give her to us. Why? The Lord gives and the Lord takes away right? So now that we have her, we realize how terribly hard it would be to lose her. Which brings me right back to the point of my parents, my mom to be exact.
My mom has been getting tested again for her cancer, her Doctor's are freaking out because she has been losing so much weight lately, and they found cancer in her stomach a couple months ago. We were told (when they found it back in her bones a couple years ago) that her cancer was not "curable", but was "treatable" and would never get better or worse, so imagine the shock that they found it has progressed to her stomach. I promised God a couple years ago (in the middle of a dark night when I had been laying in my bed for hours sobbing so hard that your body still breaths like it is sobbing, even though you think that you have actually stopped crying) that no matter what happened in my life that I wouldn't question Him again, like I did in high-school when we found out she had her cancer back. I said that even at her funeral, or anybodies funeral, that I would be like Job and stand at that podium and say "blessed are you Lord." That has been the hardest promise of my life, even harder than committing my life to Joel, and even harder than actually staying married (It's much harder than you think it is, marriage I mean, not necissarily staying married to Joel, although they are both related). And now I am back to that promise again..... what if we find out this week again that the cancer has progressed? She truely is my best friend, we (me and Presley) have missed only one day of not seeing her in the 5 1/2 weeks that Presley has been alive (My dad has only missed 2 days)! I really don't know if I would have made it through the first couple weeks, I tried it for a couple days, and it didn't work very well to say the least, we (all three of us, Joel, Presley and me) ended up on a mattress on the floor in their living room because I couldn't do it without her. I didn't even really need her, but I NEEDED her, I had to feed and change and keep Presley but I needed to know that she was in the room next to me, I NEEDED to know that if I really couldn't do it that I could tell her, when I couldn't tell anybody else, not even Joel. That I could whisper to her while we were sitting there in the middle of the night that I was glad she was there because I couldn't do it without her. And she would tell me I was okay, and I would believe her. And I hate it that in those moments there is always that little thought that sneaks in that says that I better enjoy every second with my mom, because she is not always going to be here.
But I don't WANT to think about it, but that little thought is always there, like a creak in your car that you can never find where it is.
I know already that I have less time with her than everybody else, I was born so late in her life, that everybody else got her for longer... (at least that is what I tell my family when they wonder about me spending every day over here at her house).
And so here I am writing about it, in my first blog, what a terribly morbid first blog, it could have been about my beautiful new baby, or my funny husband, or about how fun this Christmas is going to be, but I guess that was the thing that has been on my mind, and there will always be more blogs that I will talk about that in, but this one is for my mom. God knows that if he takes her now, that I won't question anymore, but please God, don't take her, we still need her, please heal her God, we know that you can.... She believes that you have healed her already God, and I don't know what to believe, I don't want to fool myself if you are going to take her, but I don't want to not believe that you aren't going to heal her if are going to, and if that is what it takes to heal her, so you do whatever you want God, and I will bless you either way.
There is nothing like a parents love, or a childs love for that matter.
I know that I have been quite spoiled over the years by my parents, but (in my own view, people might disagree) I have actually turned out to be okay (I am not saying "exeptional" we will just still with "okay"). What a huge responsibility raising a child is.... We feel so blessed that we have Presley, and know that we don't deserve someone as amazing as she already is, but God decided (and God knew, because we sure weren't ready!) that he was going to give her to us. Why? The Lord gives and the Lord takes away right? So now that we have her, we realize how terribly hard it would be to lose her. Which brings me right back to the point of my parents, my mom to be exact.
My mom has been getting tested again for her cancer, her Doctor's are freaking out because she has been losing so much weight lately, and they found cancer in her stomach a couple months ago. We were told (when they found it back in her bones a couple years ago) that her cancer was not "curable", but was "treatable" and would never get better or worse, so imagine the shock that they found it has progressed to her stomach. I promised God a couple years ago (in the middle of a dark night when I had been laying in my bed for hours sobbing so hard that your body still breaths like it is sobbing, even though you think that you have actually stopped crying) that no matter what happened in my life that I wouldn't question Him again, like I did in high-school when we found out she had her cancer back. I said that even at her funeral, or anybodies funeral, that I would be like Job and stand at that podium and say "blessed are you Lord." That has been the hardest promise of my life, even harder than committing my life to Joel, and even harder than actually staying married (It's much harder than you think it is, marriage I mean, not necissarily staying married to Joel, although they are both related). And now I am back to that promise again..... what if we find out this week again that the cancer has progressed? She truely is my best friend, we (me and Presley) have missed only one day of not seeing her in the 5 1/2 weeks that Presley has been alive (My dad has only missed 2 days)! I really don't know if I would have made it through the first couple weeks, I tried it for a couple days, and it didn't work very well to say the least, we (all three of us, Joel, Presley and me) ended up on a mattress on the floor in their living room because I couldn't do it without her. I didn't even really need her, but I NEEDED her, I had to feed and change and keep Presley but I needed to know that she was in the room next to me, I NEEDED to know that if I really couldn't do it that I could tell her, when I couldn't tell anybody else, not even Joel. That I could whisper to her while we were sitting there in the middle of the night that I was glad she was there because I couldn't do it without her. And she would tell me I was okay, and I would believe her. And I hate it that in those moments there is always that little thought that sneaks in that says that I better enjoy every second with my mom, because she is not always going to be here.
But I don't WANT to think about it, but that little thought is always there, like a creak in your car that you can never find where it is.
I know already that I have less time with her than everybody else, I was born so late in her life, that everybody else got her for longer... (at least that is what I tell my family when they wonder about me spending every day over here at her house).
And so here I am writing about it, in my first blog, what a terribly morbid first blog, it could have been about my beautiful new baby, or my funny husband, or about how fun this Christmas is going to be, but I guess that was the thing that has been on my mind, and there will always be more blogs that I will talk about that in, but this one is for my mom. God knows that if he takes her now, that I won't question anymore, but please God, don't take her, we still need her, please heal her God, we know that you can.... She believes that you have healed her already God, and I don't know what to believe, I don't want to fool myself if you are going to take her, but I don't want to not believe that you aren't going to heal her if are going to, and if that is what it takes to heal her, so you do whatever you want God, and I will bless you either way.
1 comment:
How touching Brittani...I didn't even know you ever started a blog, and I'm not sure why you stopped. All I know is that your mom is still here! She got to see you have your 2nd baby, and will hopefully be here for a long time! Keep on blogging- I promise it won't take me a year and a half to read your post next time!
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